Retractions and Omelets

I’ve never been a fan of censorship, and (until I have kids) I probably never will be. That said I don’t consider it censorship when you stop yourself from saying something stupid… or in this case: writing it. As such I have removed a post I wrote last night around 3am. I don’t know how many people saw it before I took it down, but I assume not very many, because honestly who reads this thing?

Anyways, I realized that while my personal life is an open book, other people I mentioned might not feel the same way about their personal lives. Until I can talk to the other people I mentioned and get the “okay” from them, the majority of “Late Night Ramblings” will stay under-wraps. Here, however, is the omelet section:

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No one should be responsible for anything they do after four in the morning. Of course, like every good rule this one require fine print. In order for this rule to take effect you must have either been drinking steadily for at least four hours OR worked at least eight hours just prior to 4am (or both). Unfortunately this rule will not absolve me from the beating I’m bound to get [Author's Note: this relates to retracted sections], or from playing blacked-out grab-ass with one of my co-workers. If she reads this – and I say “she” because I don’t know her name or what she looks like – I want to apologize for grabbing what I’m told was a healthy handful of your backside. But because I’m told you’re attractive, my only regret is that I don’t remember it. But yeah, in all seriousness: sorry.

Anyways, last night at 4am I read Same As We Ever Was. Same As We Ever Was is a blog by a guy I don’t know, but whose writing interests me in the same perverse way that motivates you to read this sentence right now. Anywho, the guy talks about making himself an omelet. I finish reading this around four in the morning and realize I’m hungry. So I take a bottle of Tellamore Dew down to the kitchen, grab a frying pan and proceed to do the following:

1. Melt a giant glob of butter

2. Pour about two shots of whiskey into the butter

3. Add three eggs, yolks and all

4. Add sliced up chucks of that ham that comes in a plastic container

5. Add garlic powder, crushed red pepper, Italian seasoning, salt and pepper

6. Add more whiskey

7, Make the omelet (if you have opposable thumbs and don’t know how to do this you are functionally retarded)

8. Place omelet on toasted bagel.

9. Add ketchup.

It was slightly after step 9, and about halfway through my Eggs Catastrophe Sammich that I remembered: I hate omelets. In fact, I hate eggs in general. I took three more bites to confirm that fact, tossed the rest of the sammich away, drank more whiskey and went to bed.

The fact that I can plan, cook, and partially consume a meal that I should know I will not enjoy is proof that anything done after 4am is null and void. And I would like to point out that it is 3:10am now and if it weren’t for daylight savings that would make it past four.

Peace,

{VM}