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Before I get into shit, fucking delicious and There, I Fixed It are the best fucking websites on the fucking planet. If you don’t laugh at animals mao-ing down on shit and idiots jury-rigging shit, then not only do you have no fucking soul but you’re also a fucking terrorist. And I don’t negotiate with fucking terrorists (regular terrorists, maybe).
So I was talking with my friend – who we’ll call “Emily” because her name is fucking Emily – and the topic of nice guys came up. I pride myself on being a nice guy. Sure, cross me and your jugular vein will become a waterfall of death but if you’re on my good side (which my left side, FYI) then you’re gravy. Em-C asked me if I was a nice dude, to which I responded “C’mon. You’ve met me. I’m so sweet that when I make out girls get cavities” which I came up with on the spot and I’m super proud of it. And if anyone fucking tells me that someone else said it first, I refer you to the sentence about the “waterfall of death.” Granted, I’m not peaches and fucking cream 24/7 (sorry, I’m swearing a lot. fucking delicious ingrained into my skull-beef the notion that gratuitous profanity is hysterical) but no one is.
Despite being tougher than a $2 steak (which, I didn’t come up with. JR did), I have my Lloyd Dobler moments. I know you have to wine (Franzia) and dine (Olive Garden) in order to con/trick/bamboozle a broad into liking you, that’s just science (the ‘laws of nature’ part. Elementary shit, my dear Watson). And actually I really enjoy that part. Maybe that’s because I usually end up attracted to semi- (to completely) damaged women, and their world lights up like the Fourth of July when you bring them flowers, but I’ve been told that most chicks dig that. Obviously, I would have no idea. All my attempts to date normal, ten-finger/ten-toe dames have been shot down like a duck in western Mass*.
Anyways, I’m going to take off my feminist hat (which is a great hat concept I just came up with, ask me about it later) – and probably piss off The Pool’s resident femi-nazi – and extrapolate my theory to all of womankind, instead of just the fraction I’ve interacted with: Women don’t like nice guys. Untwist your underoos and hear me out on this one. In a rare moment of syngery and awesome, I’m linking back to what I started talking about. Emily said on the topic of nice dudes:
I dumped boys thru high school and college for being too nice, then ended up dating the biggest ass.
Which is true, at least the second part. I believe I mentioned Douchebag Jeff somewhere before. Let’s be honest, there’s very few redeemable Jeffs in the world (Also, if you’re a dude named Jeff reading this, and you don’t start a band called “Redeemable Jeffs” you’re a fucking douche-nozzle). Anyways before I start R-A-M-B-L-I-N-Apostrophe-ing too much, the point is that I have found that the above statement is indicative of the majority of skirts**. I’m not saying that its impossible to be too nice, because its not and there is such a thing as “too nice.” But “too nice” is hard to accomplish and is generally regulated to the kind of over-achieving multi-taskers who think its kosher to give you a blowjob and polish your shoes simultaneously (surprisingly not a fetish of mine). The “too nice” that women complain about is linked to something ingrained into their skull-beef that creates a feeling of guilt when a guy does something nice for them, and makes them feel they have to reciprocate the nice-ness.
As usual, I blame feminism. Speaking as your average low-life, I know that when I bring a harlot*** flowers I don’t expect her to do anything (even me) in return. I did it out of the remaining goodness in my pathetic little black heart and fully anticipate that to be end of the saga. But something makes these “too nice”-hatin’ chicks think that its either a ploy/shenanigans, or that they’re now at a karma-deficit that needs to be re-paid. Its probably do to the erosion of chivalry (which, again, I blame on feminism) and the lowered expectations (and, thereby, actions) for men in the process of courtship. Apparently, society can’t have its cake and eat it too where we refrain from beating chicks with sticks but still do the little shit.
But the “too nice” card might be the only one in the deck that hasn’t been pulled on me. I’ve got a collection of ” too good of friends” cards; “it’ll ruin the friendship cards” cards; “it’s not you, it’s me” cards; “it’s just not the right time” cards; and “I have a boyfriend, stop dry-humping my leg” cards, but no “too nice” cards… yet (also, I seem to have misplaced my “V” card somewhere). As I explained to Emily, if you’re going to play those cards you really can’t complain about dating assholes. The guys that you’re friends with will probably make better boyfriends than any popped-collar motherfucker with a $50 tan and $50,000 car you’ll find “in da club.”
Oh, and to answer the obvious question of why Emily and I aren’t dating: she played the “I’m like your sister” card. That, and I’m afraid of her dad.
Peace,
{VM}
* This joke, unfortunately, requires footnotes. My dad tells a story of a “buddy of his” (read: him) that went out hunting in western Massachusetts. There’s not much hunt-able wildlife in most of Mass and most of it ends up as fender gravy anyways. Anyways, the guy goes out hunting and there’s a million Puerto Ricans with shotguns just sitting in the reeds not wearing hunting camo but trying to act covert as shit. Suddenly, a duck flies off in the middle… BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM… within a milli-second the duck is incinerated by a hail-storm of shotgun shells.There was literally no carcass left to claim. Apparently Puerto Ricans are like Italians, in that when they shoot something they want all evidence that it ever existed to disappear.
** Apologies for the 50’s lingo. There are only so many synonyms for “women”, and I’m saving “harlots” and “jezebels” for a special occasion.
*** Fuck it, this is a special occasion.
Filed under: Philosophy, Ramblings | Tagged: Amanda, Emily, feminism, fucking delicious, Jeffs, nice guys, relationships, There I Fixed It, Women
Ahem. Now, Vinny, you know I like you. I even think your funny in an, I-Can’t-Believe-He-Sunk-To-That sort of way. So please know that, while I am directing this at you specifically right now, it comes from a place of deep-seated rage and frustration at this sort of diatribe in general. Because everything above (aside from the duck shenanigans) I’ve heard. So. Many. Times. Before. So, without further gilding the lily:
Grow the fuck up. For real. If I hear one more man “oh poor me” about how many women are NOT jumping in his bed at the first whiff of flowers, I think I’ll throw up. First of all, feminism didn’t ruin that gag, men did. Too many scum bags resort to gestures like flowers and insincere compliments to cover up their assholishness for women to buy that shit any more. It’s like, “Here, some roses in exchange for your dignity. Happy now? Huh? C/N-ookie?” Feminism gave women an outlet to call out that bullshit, not for them to second guess the nice guys that do mean it. The assholes made us second guess before feminism ever started making waves. If a woman, feminist or otherwise, doesn’t second-guess the flowers, she’s either in a solid relationship, an idiot or armed. Heavily.
Secondly, for any line women dole out to avoid dating a guy, men can match it, I guarantee it. Maybe next time you get a “You’re too nice,” line, you should ask for more constructive criticism and work from there. Or maybe–are you sitting down?–she just down right doesn’t want to date you. Maybe she doesn’t want to date period. Maybe she’s a lesbian. Maybe she really does dig assholes. Who the fuck cares? ‘You’re too nice’ is a bullshit cop-out even when the lesbian-oriented transvestite gender-fuck says it.
As for the erosion of chivalry, give me a fucking break. It’s called common decency now, and it’s for everyone. Pseudo-feminists and assholes of all genders will use feminism to justify said assholish behavior. They think and say, well if you want to be treated like a man… Actually, no. Thank you. I don’t want to be treated like a man. I’d like to be treated like a person. For instance, I’d open the door for a person. I’d be polite to a person, give equal consideration to a person and offer to pay if I invited a person to dinner. Assholes use feminism to help themselves feel better about being assholes. Yep, just called you an asshole.
So maybe if you give a woman flowers and you wonder why she has questions about your motives, you should look around. Like at advertisements that teach men (and impressionable women) that women are cheap, perpetually sexually available idiots. And TV shows that demonstrate women being cheap, perpetually sexually available idiots. Billboards showing woman legs straddling a throughway, clothing ads with women bending over, Burger King ads feature Sir Mix-a-Lot or felatio. A woman learns pretty early that the whole world thinks she’s a cheap, perpetually sexually available idiot. She either buys into it and dates assholes (she knows what’s expected of her in this world) or she comes to her senses and dates a nice man (or not).
My advice to you is, stop blaming feminism. A. Feminism is not the culprit, it’s the solution. B. It’s not even an original scape goat–haven’t we had the ‘you’re-too-smart-to-be-this-dumb conversation before? C. It pisses me off.
All the roses in the world won’t get a girl to like you if she just plain doesn’t. And if she faked it, that’d be even worse (then we’d have a whole rant about how women were gold-digging vapid jerks–or is that what you meant by the $50,000 car and $50 tan?). If the flowers and the niceness are sincere, then go with it, eventually the right girl will appreciate it. And for the record, if you gave me flowers, and I read your blog calling me a skirt/chick/harlot/dame/feminazi who needed to un-twist her underoos, I’d shove those flowers stem first right back where they came from–an asshole.
Now, because I like you and actually think you’re kind of funny (when you haven’t sunk THAT low), I’ll remind you of what I always remind you when you start thinking this way: Feminism is your friend. Chicks (skirts, dames, harlots) dig feminists. But for a little extra help: http://hownottobeanidiotwithwomen.blogspot.com/ I disagree with some things, but most of it’s pretty useful. Go forth and stop being an idiot with women.
Geez, I really did piss in your Cheerios, huh?
I sorta figured that you had realized the whole “I say shit because its funny, not because its true” thing by now. I guess not, so even though my name is far from good I suppose I should defend it.
For starters, nothing about this post has any “woe is me” tone to it. At all. If there’s any serious complaint along those lines, it is in 100% agreement with what you said: assholes stole the nice guy ‘tactics’ and now women can’t tell the difference between the truly nice guys and assholes posing as nice guys. I’m not exactly sympathetic to unchecked paranoia, which to me is what that is. If you’re so bad at reading people that you can’t tell authenticity from farce and opt instead for blanketed mistrust of half the species… I’m sorry that’s the equivalent of – if not worse than – any of my non-serious cracks or joking generalizations about women. Oh yeah, and like I said, no one has ever told me I was “too nice”, but as proof by what Emily said it is not unheard of for a girl to break up with a boy for being “too nice” (and she’d be happy to tell you that her quote wasn’t taken out of context).
Secondly, nothing about this post was serious. At all. I would’ve thought linking to pictures of llama’s eating straw and referencing the Olive Garden as if anyone in their right mind would ever want to eat there, let alone take someone there on a date (unless its to dump them, because nothing says “its over” like never ending pasta and breadsticks) would have made that inherently clear. I guess not, but I’m not about to start throwing up disclaimers about what’s a joke and what’s not because there have been maybe 2 or 3 posts on here that haven’t been irreverent farce. And as for the “underoos” line, is that a blatant admission that the preceding statement is inherently stupid/illogical?
The one successful part of the post was that it had the intended effect on you, just to a WAY more severe level than the gentle ribbing I had hoped for. I didn’t realize the “feminazi” dig cut so deep, so I’m legitimately sorry for that. As for the other little nicknames for women; I get bored of writing “women” and “girls” and I fucking hate the word “ladies”. I assumed, which yeah I shouldn’t have done, that everyone reading this either knows me well enough or could tell from the tone that I wasn’t using those names in any sort of derogatory tone. I don’t know (or really care, to be honest) how that is offensive, but if it is then I guess I’m sorry for that too (though, I’m not entirely sure how I feel about that. I feel bad that you’re upset about it, but I also feel that you have no reason to be, but I’ve decided I’m usually wrong and am opting for the apology).
Also, its lost on me how you could honestly take seriously something that starts with “AS USUAL, I blame feminism.” I’ve used that so many times, in so many non-serious ways that it’s become like my version of “I blame society” or “I blame the economy”. My anti-feminist rants are either 1. tongue-in-cheek 2. an attempt to get a rise out of you and/or the other girls/women that read the blog or 3. both. And as far as the erosion of chivalry goes, it was caused by post-feminist backlash so in way female liberation led to this clash between the old world and new world views of relationships and I still don’t think I, myself, or society as a whole has gotten a firm grip on how to deal with it. In fact, the majority of my adolescent bumbling and fumbling is caused by that exact dilemma and instead of blaming society (which is pointless) or blaming my inability to read minds (which is asinine), I opted, in jest, to make feminism the scapegoat. However my scapegoating is largely done out of exasperation and not out of shrill anti-feminist hatred. I don’t think there’s a single person who hasn’t thrown their hands up in frustration with the opposite sex and blamed that other half for all their woes at one point or another. Is it logical? No. Is it natural? Absolutely. Does it warrant being called an asshole over? Maybe, but I obviously don’t think so.
Furthermore, I think I actually made a few feminist points that you were evidently too busy being pissed at me to notice. For example, I praised the fact that we’ve progressed from the dark ages of female subservience (the line about the beating women with sticks), and the bemoaned the fact that because of this (and the inherent dominance of the male ego) that we’re still unable to accept women as equals but still treat them with a level of what you referred to as “common courtesy”. I slightly disagree with that term because I’d never push in another man’s chair or open another man’s door, so there is some level of special treatment; not because women are in any way inferior but because those are traditional signs of courtship (in the vernacular, it’d be ‘gay’ to push in another dude’s chair). Not to mention the fact that the entire point of the post runs antithetical to your interpretation of it, to the point where I think you just saw the words that you’ve heard “So. Many. Times.” and ignored the context. The point is that a man shouldn’t bring a woman flowers for any other reason that he wants to do and believes she’ll appreciate it. I’m too lazy to count the number of times I mentioned that a man should not expect any sort of return for doing what I referred to as the “little things.”
All the women I’ve dated and associate with for more than a passing blast of pepper spray are wonderful people (yeah, present company included), and I’ve never actually conned/tricked/bamboozled anyone into dating me or sleeping with me. Beyond that, I’ve never any sort of ill-will against a woman for choosing not to date me or for breaking up with me. Hey, its their fucking lose. And I, in fact, completely agree with your point about how if a person doesn’t like someone they should in no way pretend that they do. I wrote a fucking post about it (albeit in the context of physical attractiveness but the underlying theory behind it is equivalent).
Okay, I’m stopping here because I’ve totally cancelled a nap and a shower and delayed going out to respond to this and I’m not even halfway done with that I want to say about it. I know you said not to take it personally, and that it was addressed more generally, but you so completely missed my point that I had to say something/hopefully correct it to the point where no one else will have the same misinterpretation.
Are you ready to concede defeat in the blog war? ‘Cause you totally just defended feminism; in public and in a non-satyrical way.
I win.
…fuck…